Saturday, September 29, 2007

Newt Gingrich Has Something in Common with Scott

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told supporters on Thursday that if they pledge at least $30 million to his campaign over a three-week period starting Monday, he will compete for the GOP 2008 presidential nomination.

I am telling all of you, supporters or not, that if you pledge at least $30 million to my campaign over the next YEAR, I will compete for the presidency in 2008.

Except I can win, and Gingrich can't - I don't have 20 years of corrupting experience in the House of Representatives. So vote for me, and not for Newt.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Cell Phones Banned for Air Traffic Controllers

Air traffic controllers were forced to use their personal cell phones to reroute hundreds of flights Tuesday after the Federal Aviation Administration's Memphis Center lost radar and telephone service for more than two hours, snarling air traffic in the middle of the nation, according to a CNN article.

Doug Church, a spokesman for the National Air Traffic Controllers Association, called the cell phone usage "a major safety problem."

"Now we have all these cell phone usage charges that are going to appear on expense reports," said Church. "This unbudgeted activity at the end of the fiscal year is going to mess up my numbers," he complained. "Air Traffic Controller regulations clearly call for mobile phones to be turned off while airplanes are in flight."

Monday, September 24, 2007

LaDainian Tomlinson - My Fantasy Football Bust

I got the number one pick in my Fantasy Football league. So I drafted LaDainian Tomlinson as my number one pick. What a disaster.

I'm sure that Neal would have advised me to pick Peyton Manning...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Sports Illustrated - Addressing Today's Critical Issues

You've got to hand it to Sports Illustrated. They're keeping their fingers on the pulse of the issues that matter to Americans, and, therefore, to the world. Like a current feature, entitled

"Baseball's Best Dressed"

Like this picture of Manny Ramirez. I'm not sure if it's the hair or the New York Yankee Pinstripes that make the outfit...

They're even taking a vote on it.

Hey Sports Illustrated - WHO CARES???

Friday, September 21, 2007

It's Football First at West Virginia University

They have their priorities straight (but not right) in Morgantown, West Virginia. That's right, down at WVU it's about football, sofa burning, and football. Not necessarily in that order.

Just like in Kenton, OH

In case you were wondering, WVU reinstated two football players charged with theft today. Linebacker J.T. Thomas and cornerback Ellis Lankster were reinstated to the West Virginia University football team this aft
ernoon, Coach Rich Rodriguez announced, after both players agreed to pretrial-diversion programs.

Rodriguez said both players, projected starters who haven't practiced since being arrested Aug. 18 in the theft of a laptop computer from a student's party, will dress for the fifth-ranked Mountaineers' home game Saturday against East Carolina but won't start.

Under the terms, the players must meet a curfew, perform 150 hours of community service, undergo random drug and alcohol screening and report periodically to a community correction center for alternative-sentencing recipients. They also must remain full-time students or, failing that, hold jobs full time, and must comply with the rules of the university and the football program.

So...they're reinstated to the football team regardless of whether they're full-time students? And following the rules of the university and the football program are something beyond what's expected of non-burglar football players?

Maybe they can perform their community service by collecting old sofas and other furniture for post-game bonfire celebrations.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Entire City of Pittsburgh Declared a Historic Structure

The Historic Review Commission of the Pittsburgh Planning Commission today unanimously recommended declaring playwright August Wilson's boyhood home a city historic structure.

And after that, it decided that somebody famous could have lived, breathed, slept in, or walked by every existing structure in the City. Thus, all buildings in the city have been designated historic structures, which will protect them from demolition. Any facade changes would have to be presented to the city Historic Review Commission, which will evaluate the size of the facade change relative to size of the bribe.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Some Positive O.J. Simpson News

We previously reported that O.J. Simpson would be using the Concussion Defense during the trial on his armed robbery charges. It'll probably work, if he can get a good public defender.

Not all the news about Simpson is negative, though. OJ has only been accused of Murder and Armed Robbery. And that's it. Unlike Michael Vick, Simpson has never been accused of dogfighting or any other such despicable act. We like that about O.J.

Click here for more good news!

International Kilogram Standard Found on South Beach

Fad Diets. They're great if you want to lose a few pounds, er, kilos. But sometimes you want your weight to be the same, day in and day out. Especially if you are the international Kilogram Standard. The 118-year-old cylinder - the international prototype for the metric mass, is kept tightly under lock and key outside Paris. And it is mysteriously losing weight -- if ever so slightly. Physicist Richard Davis of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Sevres, southwest of Paris, says the reference kilo appears to have lost 50 micrograms compared with the average of dozens of copies.

We recommend that Davis send the kilogram standard to a U.S. high school cafeteria. We'll reverse that trend in a hurry.

Monday, September 17, 2007

O.J. Simpson Arrested - Expected To Use Concussion Defense

Murder didn't seem to work out for getting O.J. Simpson behind bars, so now we're going to see if robbery, or possibly armed robbery, is going to do it.

Former football star O.J. Simpson, who was acquitted in 1995 of murdering his ex-wife, has been arrested in connection with an alleged armed robbery last week in Las Vegas. Simpson faces felony charges, Capt. James Dillon of the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department told reporters. The Thursday night incident was reported by a sports memorabilia dealer as an armed robbery in his room at the Palace Station Hotel & Casino.

Orenthal James, or O.J., Simpson has previously told police and the media that he did nothing wrong in Las Vegas. "I'm not walking around feeling sad or anything. I've done nothing wrong," Simpson said. He told reporters that "golfing buddies and some of their friends" accompanied him to a meeting at the Palace Station Hotel & Casino to help him retrieve sports memorabilia, personal photos and other items he said had been stolen by a former sports agent. "You've got to understand, this ain't somebody going to steal somebody's drugs or something like that. This is somebody going to get his private (belongings) back. That's it. That's not robbery."


Great, another media circus to distract us from more weighty matters. O.J. reportedly plans to use a "concussion defense", where he will claim that repetitive concussions received during his football career reduced his ability to recognize armed robbery as a criminal activity punishable by imprisonment.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Another Sign of the Loss of Childhood

Too many years ago, when I was growing up, we did a lot of unthinkable things. We walked to the bus stop without our parents. Sometimes without a jacket when it was a little chilly. We used paper book covers or made them out of paper grocery bags, using scissors. We went to our friends' houses to knock on their doors to see if they could come out to play, without our mothers talking on the phone first to see if it was OK. We played kickball in the street.

And we went to the playground to play baseball. Every day. We had pickup teams. We played all day, or until we we got called to come home for supper. (When I say "we got called" I mean that our mother's screamed for us at the top of their lungs. And woe to you if you didn't show up soon after you were called.) I was among the last ones picked, at least until the time I smacked the ball over the heads of the outfielders, after which I moved up in the picking order.

We also climbed the trees in the woods behind our house. It seemed innocent and safe enough. We didn't know any better.

Fast forward 35 to 40 years and the situation is different. You can play baseball, but only if you register in the township league, get your picture taken, have a paid umpire, and wear an expensive uniform.

And now there's a tree-climbing school. You don't just climb the tree, figuring out how to do it as you go, geting in touch with your inner tree climber. You attend school first, exploring the theory of the branch and bark. According the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Tree Climbing School has made its debut in Western Pennsylvania.

The Tribune-Review article listed some rules of tree climbing. I urge you join us in following them to the letter:
  • Get training from a qualified instructor
  • Never climb near power lines unless energized
  • Do not climb a tree that shows signs of wear or weakness. If there are rotten branches, take a light step first to make sure they won't collapse under your weight.
  • Don't let go of the tree until both feet are on solid ground, if the solid ground is cement. If you're in the woods, you're OK to land in the dirt.
  • Always wear a helmet if riding your free-ride bike on the tree branches.
  • Avoid hornet nests.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I Need to Dye My Hair

The color might be right, but the picture suggests that other slight alterations may be necessary...

Your Hair Should Be Purple

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional.
You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

New Chinese Towing Service Unveiled

China - it's got 1.3 billion people. So the chances are high that you're going to run into some really unusual talents. Like Wang Chuntai, for instance. He's a hum
an tow truck. With his nose.

That's right, Mr. Wang, from northeastern China, has pulled a car with four adults inside more than 10 metres with his nose. How did he do it? By attaching a rope with two hooks to his nostrils.

Onlookers were reportedly amazed at the sight. Wang's other stunt is to pull a car with his eyelids, reports People's Daily.

The Far East office of Scott's Spot was unable to determine if Wang accepts AAA cards.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Pittsburgh Steelers Games - Best Place to Pick Up Chicks

According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers, the Pittsburgh Steelers have the largest female fan base in the NFL. Scott's Spot contacted, and we advise the following course of action:

1. Get Steelers tickets
2. Find female Steelers fans
3. (optional) Visit the Southside
4. Send us your photos

Time For Ohio State to Step Up to the Plate

This week's Number One good thing is that Notre Dame is 0-2.
This week's Number Two good thing is that Michigan is 0-2.

But the world is, alas, not perfect. If Ohio State were 0-2, this would be a perfect week.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Joe Hardy "I Do Not Choose To Run"

Joe Hardy, the 84-year-old 84 Lumber founder, Nemacolin Woodlands developer, and two time cradle robber, has pulled the plug on his three year political career as a Fayette County Commissioner.

Hardy's campaign manager and spokesman, Jeff Nobers, broke the news to reporters. Scott's Spot heard the announcement via a Verizon Wireless cell phone. It may be America's largest network, but the sound quality is atrocious at times. Here's what we heard Mr. Nobers say:

"Joe Hardy is always looking for results. After divorcing Dorothy, his wife of over fifty years, who gave him 5 children, he married Debra Maley, 26, who gave him 2 children. Then, after marrying Kristin Georgi, 22, in May, no children were forthcoming, so he filed for divorce.

"And it's the same thing in politics. Joe is an impatient man. He wants results in politics just like he does in fathering. If he can't get quick results, he redirects his efforts to something different. Joe will now has his sights on the Iraq war. 'In 3 weeks we'll have won the war, established the peace, and our troops will be home,' he told me just yesterday. After that, he intends to pay for voice coaching for President Bush so that the American people never have to hear the word 'noo-kyoo-ler' again."

I might even support Joe Hardy if he can achieve that goal.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

FAA to Sacrifice Goats to Improve Airline Service

It's a lousy time to be an air traveler. But, thanks to the ever-vigilant Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), good times are just around the corner.

"Passengers are growing weary of schedules tha
t aren't worth the electrons they're printed on," outgoing Federal Aviation Administration administrator Marion C. Blakey told a group of aviation executives at the Aero Club. "Airline schedules have got to stop being the fodder for late-night monologues. And if the airlines don't address this voluntarily, don't be surprised when the government steps in."

And step in they have. The FAA plans to emulate Nepal Airlines, which sacrificed two goats to appease a Hindu god following technical problems with an aircraft.

Nepal Airlines said the animals were slaughtered in front of the plane - a Boeing 757 - at Kathmandu airport, reports the BBC. The offering was made to Akash Bhairab, the Hindu god of sky protection, whose symbol is seen on the company's planes.

The airline said that after the ceremony the plane successfully completed a flight to Hong Kong. "The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said senior airline official Raju KC.

Nepal Airlines has two Boeing aircraft in its fleet. The persistent faults with one of the planes had led to the postponement of a number of flights in recent weeks.

On my next flight, I'm looking for a decent goat curry to go along with my 0.5 gram pretzel bag. Oh, yeah, and I'm expecting to arrive on time.

Inflating Your Resume

It's hard, sometimes, to know what to put on your résumé. You don't want to lie, at least not too much. But you want to give yourself the best chance of success. One of the things that's debated is whether you should put any personal (i.e., non-professional) accomplishments or interests on the document. Generally, the answer is that you should not do so. But that advice probably doesn't consider the following achievement:

According to news source Ananova, a Chinese man has blown up a hot water bottle with his nose and made it explode. It took only two minutes for Zhang Zhenghui, 52, of Liling city, to make the bottle burst.

Zhang said: "Someone blew up a hot-water bottle with his mouth on TV, and I tried it and found it wasn't difficult. "Then I thought, why not try with my nose?"

It took Zhang nearly three years to perfect the stunt which he performed outside a local grocery shop. He also used his nose to blow up the inner tube of a truck tire in just ten minutes, reports Xiaoxiang Morning News. For this stunt, he was competing against two young men equipped with bicycle pumps who only managed to partly inflate identical inner-tubes.

Zhang now plans to apply for a place in the Guinness Book of Records.

Our official position here at Scott's Spot is that if you can make the Guinness Book of World Records, you should put it on your

Monday, September 10, 2007

Hot College Chicks

Here at Scott's Spot, we're all for hot college chicks. But we don't see them very often. Which is why we're glad that once each year, a friend in the Robert Morris University (formerly Robert Morris College) alumni association gets us cheap tickets to a Pittsburgh Pirates game. We sit in the nosebleed section, watch the Pirates do their overpaid thing, and see what our young friends at RMU are up to.

You may have heard that college students require a significant amount of remedial education. And that may be true for old tired traditional subjects like Math, English, and Science. But it's definitely not true for real life skills, like text messaging. In the photo at right, you can observe a hot Robert Morris Unversity coed sending text messages. Her thumb action was phenomenal!

You're probably thinking that hot college babes like this, with skills that are ready for the real world, are out of your reach. And that may be the case. But these tech-savvy goddesses network with other beauties, as shown at right. Just get her number, and your social networking potential will know no bounds!

We are bullish on the future of higher education here at Scott's Spot!

Friday, September 07, 2007

New Uniforms for the Pittsburgh Penguins

If there's something we care about at Scott's Spot, it's the uniforms (s)ported by the Pittsburgh Penguins when they're out high sticking and cross checking their opponents. So we were understandably concerned when the Penguins got new uniforms. Here's what they look like:

You are probably wondering about the differences between the old and new Penguins uniforms. Mike Lange, at right in the photo above, and I have compiled this guide:
  • The basic color scheme is the same
  • They have the same logo
  • The fit is a little slimmer
  • The other teams in the NHL are already wearing them
  • There are several minor alterations with the striping on the sleeves and removal of the art-deco Penguin logo -- a throwback from the Howard Baldwin ownership era -- from the shoulders
  • The new uniforms have a shoulder patch commemorating Pittsburgh's 250th anniversary
  • The sides have been cut up along the hips to almost give the tail the look of a tailored dress shirt - exactly the kind of look that Pittsburghers are looking for in their slashing tripping goons
Despite this nonsense, we're hoping that the Penguins are going to focus less on fashion and more on hockey this year.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

My Fantasy Football Team

This is the first year that I've tried Fantasy Football. I was lucky to get the first pick in our draft. How do you think I did?

1. (1) LaDainian Tomlinson RB
2. (20) Drew Brees QB
3. (21) Chicago DEF
4. (40) Roy Williams WR
5. (41) Nate Kaeding K
6. (60) Matt Hasselbeck QB
7. (61) Donald Driver WR
8. (80) Alge Crumpler TE
9. (81) Cedric Benson RB
10. (100) Bernard Berrian WR
11. (101) Carnell Williams RB
12. (120) L.J. Smith TE
13. (121) Seattle DEF
14. (140) Joe Horn WR
15. (141) Josh Brown K

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Bad Mortgages - An American Way of Life. And Death.

Click here to see a larger version.

Michael Vick and President George W. Bush - Contrasted

Click here to see a larger view.