Friday, June 30, 2006

I'm Pretty Good At Air Guitar

Or at least I used to be. Probably better than Japanese Prime Minister
Junichiro Koizumi, who is a big fan of Elvis Presley. However, girls never fawned over me while I played. Never! In fact, they usually left the building. I would have gone to great lengths to have Priscilla Presley gaze upon me while I played. I guess there are advantages to being a world leader with bad hair.

Cleansing the Polish Palate

You're getting ready to leave for that big date when it hits you - "D@#&, I shouldn't have had that onion sandwich for a snack!" What's a guy to do? Well, in Poland, you can gargle with something called "jogobelka," a popular mixture of vodka and mustard.

And if you want, you can even swallow some and still be the designated driver. This was the experience of former Polish MP Grzegorz Gruszka,
arrested after being pulled over by police in a routine check and failing a breathalyzer test. Gruszka was acquitted after telling prosecutors that he had not actually swallowed any alcohol, but had only used the mixture as a mouthwash.

Na Zdrowie!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Boy George Picks Adult Name - Man Garbage

OK, I'll admit it. I liked Culture Club, Boy George and all. Well, sure, Boy George was a little bit weird. OK, a lot weird. But I did like their music. And Boy George, well, he had a certain sense of style, whether you liked it or not.

Except now his style includes a new scent, Eau de Garbage. You see, Boy George has been ordered to do 5 days of community service with the New York Department of Sanitation. Police found cocaine in his apartment last October after Boy George called police with a bogus report of a burglary. Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Anthony Ferrara threatened the 45-year-old singer, born George O'Dowd, with jail time if he failed to completed his garbology sentence before August 28. He would have done society a greater favor if he had sentenced Boy George to find a new hair stylist.

Look for footage of Boy George's experience in his upcoming MTV video, "Trash Canna Chameleon."

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A Star-Spangled All-American Favorite

The Independence Day holiday is rapidly approaching, and, like most of us, you're probably facing that annual dilemma - "How can I come up with something better than Aunt Gertrude's red, white, and blue frosted cupcakes for dessert?" Well, patriotic readers, your search has ended. I'm talking classic. I'm talking sweet. I'm talking about a treat that will be enjoyed by young and old alike. I'm talking...Twinkies!

That's right, this year's Fourth of July is going to be the best ever, thanks to "The Twinkies Cookbook," compiled by Theresa Cogswell and published by Hostess. There are about 50 recipes, many submitted to Hostess as part of Twinkies' 75th anniversary celebration last year.

For July 4th, you're going to want to try the berry-laden Patriotic Twinkie Pie. It's red, white, and blue, and would be the perfect centerpiece for your 4th of July picnic.

If Aunt Gertrude shows up with the cupcakes, the Scott's Spot Events Planning Team recommends that you put firecrackers in them instead of candles.

Can You Say Amen?

Just in case your kids don't have head lice, you may be wondering how to get a few extra bucks. Well, I've found your ticket, but you may have to wait in line. And you have to get to Harvey, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. And it's going to cost you 90 minutes of your time.

The United Pentecostal Church of Harvey plans to provide $25 in cold hard cash to the first 75 first time visitors at each of two services, one at 10 a.m. and another at 1 p.m. The only requirements are that the newcomers be 16 or older and that they stay for the entire 90-minute service.

Even if the sermon is on tithing and you stick $2.50 into the collection plate, you're $22.50 ahead on the deal. With the price of gas, you're gonna have to car pool if you're from out of town, though.

I Can't Wait For Back To School

Yeah, I know what you're thinking - Scott's kids are just laying around watching TV and playing video games on their summer vacation, and he can't wait for them to be doing something useful again. And that's true. But it doesn't tell the whole story. I want my kids to be back in school so I can help to fund their college education. Scholarships are out, so I'm settling for the next best thing - Head Lice.

That's right. Researchers are trying to find new ways to treat new super-lice, which are becoming resistant to conventional cures. So this Fall's annual letter from the school nurse is gonna have me seeing big dollar signs. Or pound signs. Researchers from Bristol University in England are offering £20 to parents for their children's head lice. And it's not just England, that small country that has Beckham and that plays soccer much better than the entire United States, that cares about super-lice. The US is in on it as well. Bristol University's veterinary department in Langford, Somerset, plans to send the extra lice to US researchers to see if we can make any headway toward this goal.

Personally, I'm hoping to double my money by scoring a No Child Left Behind grant out of this.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Keeping Vigil for Ben Roethlisberger

One thing you can count on in Pittsburgh is that people keep things in perspective. Take Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's motorcycle accident yesterday, for instance. The rest of the world kept on turning, but time stopped in Pittsburgh. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers, updated its website several times, even last night when Big Ben came out of surgery. They didn't even talk about the weather for 10 minutes on the TV News. Not that we didn't need to know if Thursday's high is going to be the same in Wexford as it will be in Monroeville. But there just wasn't time for it. There is no other news in Pittsburgh. There is no other topic of conversation.

And now, finally, Nichol Mitchell has found a cause worthy of tailgating, er, keeping vigil for. Here she is outside Mercy Hospital. Mitchell and some friends vowed last night to maintain their vigil outside Mercy Hospital until Big Ben is released.

This doesn't appear to be one of those vigils that involves fasting.

Al-Zarqawi and 21st Century American Justice

I had been struggling to articulate my feelings about the killing of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Thanks to Duck and Cover for doing it for me.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Star Wars Episode 7: Like Where’s Jar Jar, Man?

You’ve got to hand it to George Lucas. Not only did he capitalize on the New Math by putting out Star Wars Episodes 4-6 before Episodes 1-3, but he created the worst character ever on the big screen in Jar Jar Binks. You always had to wonder why Jar Jar was so, well, spaced out.

ut I received enlightenment on this matter during my trip to Melbourne, Australia. The picture below shows Jar Jar, also known as Bong Bong Binks, hanging out with the wrong crowd on Naboo. A few of the other senators are also pictured.

There was also a Darth Maul bong at this shop, but the dark side of the Force prevented my taking a good picture of it.

Places to Avoid in Melbourne

My visit to Melbourne has been great. We had to work hard, but in the evening there were plenty of places to go and a lot of good places to eat. With so many restaurants to choose from, it was hard to decide where to go. But one place we stayed away from was Ants Bistro. I recommend that you avoid it as well. Not having been there, I’m not exactly sure what happens, but I’m guessing that you and your party sit on the floor on a picnic blanket. The food is served promptly, after which time the ants show up and crawl over everything.

Like I said, I avoided Ants Bistro. However, it you’re staying at the Roach Hotel, you might want to try it instead of the room service.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

I Spy, With My Bionic Eye

There’s one thing about traveling. You’re going to see something different. But sometimes you do get a surprise. Take Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, for instance. I arrived here last Thursday and on way from the airport to our downtown hotel, what did I spy with my little eye but the Bionic Ear Institute.

That might not seem significant to you, but when I was growing up, I wanted to be 3 things.
  1. An Astronaut
  2. Kwai Chang Caine, of Kung Fu
  3. Steve Austin, the Bionic Man
I never became an astronaut. At that time, you had to be a military test pilot to become an astronaut, and I was very much not interested in the military, so that was out.

for Kwai Chang Caine, I never learned Kung Fu, but I have been studying Tae Kwon Do and test for my first degree black belt in a little over 2 weeks, so I’m living a little bit of that dream.

But to be the bionic man was the ultimate dream. Steve Austin had a bionic eye, a bionic arm, and 2 bionic legs, which could make him run 60 miles per hour. There was a bionic woman, too, who had a bionic ear and other stuff that I can’t remember. She was not as cool as the bionic man.

I thought that being a bionic man was all a dream, but no! It's now a reality, right here in Melbourne, Australia. The picture is proof positive, as is the website.

Now, if they can develop a bionic scalp to help with my advancing male pattern baldness, I’ll work for Oscar Goldman, too.

Monday, June 05, 2006

No Child Left Behind, Pennsylvania Style

When I was in school we had Senior Skip Day. But with No Child Left Behind, our students can't afford to miss even one precious minute of instruction. Here's an example from Clarion-Limestone High School in northwestern Pennsylvania. According to a Clarion News article, these students drove their tractors to school. Some of them took an hour each way. Not a very fuel-efficient alternative transportation lifestyle...

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Melbourne Australia Photo and Haiku

Walking in Melbourne
I met a resident who
captured my fancy