Steroids in Baseball - Congress Gets Down to Business

The price of crude oil is $100 a barrel and we have no semblance of a coherent energy policy. We're in a quagmire in Iraq. And Bush is rattling the sabers over Iran.

So what's the U.S. Congress doing? In the House of Representatives, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform is investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Pictured at right is Rep. Henry A. Waxman, Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. He represents California's 30th Congressional District, which includes the cities of Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, Agoura Hills, Calabasas, Hidden Hills, Malibu, Westlake Village and West Hollywood, as well as such areas of Los Angeles as Beverly-Fairfax, Pacific Palisades, Brentwood, Beverlywood, Topanga, Agoura, Chatsworth and Westwood.

Which explains why the Committee is investigating such an truly important matter.

Bozo.

How To Get Your Wife Back

The unthinkable happens. Your wife runs off with another man. There's nothing you can do about it, right? Well, maybe not, if you use your head. Or the head of a nearby bovine.

Jason Michael Fife, of Hunker, Pennsylvania, decided to mail a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover. Mr. Fife obtained the cow's head from a butcher's shop, claiming he wanted the dried skull for decoration. Instead, he mailed the head frozen, so as not to alert parcel carriers to the contents, police said. The box became bloody after sitting on the victim's doorstep on a warm day.

Oopsie.

Fife "understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow's head to anybody," said his defense lawyer, Henry Hilles.

He was sentenced to a program for first-time offenders in which he must complete two years of probation and 50 hours of community service. If he successfully finishes the program, his record will be cleared.

But even if his record isn't cleared, Fife got what he wanted - He and his wife, who have a young child, later reconciled, Mr. Hilles said.

No Bull!

From Kitten Rescuer to Darwin Awards Candidate

I used to think those baby falling into a 5 gallon pail labels were pretty silly. But now we're going to have to have similar labeling for adults and kittens for 55 gallon drums, thanks to a New Mexico woman who drowned while trying to retrieve a kitten from a 55-gallon rain barrel at her home southeast of Santa Fe.

According to Santa Fe County Sheriff Greg Solano, the 48-year-old woman, Deborah Hill, and her husband had dragged the plastic barrel inside their home to thaw ice that had formed in the barrel.

The barrel was tied to a door so it wouldn't tip, and was about one-third full of water when the kitten fell in. Hill apparently was standing on something to reach down for the kitten when she slid in.

Detectives said the kitten is alive, and most likely climbed out over Hill.

Goose Gossage - Chuck Tanner's Marilyn Monroe

According to an Associated Press article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers, former Pittsburgh Pirates manager Chuck Tanner told newly elected Baseball Hall of Famer Goose Gossage that "he was my Marilyn Monroe."

As Joe Garagiola wrote, Baseball is a Funny Game.

Hey, I just report the news.

Brains and Tattoos

Getting a tattoo is all about using your intelligence to decide what you want to have drawn on your body for the rest of your life. I haven't figured out what that might be for me. I can tell you for sure that a .357-Magnum caliber handgun is not something worth having as body art. Especially when the pattern is an actual loaded gun.

But two men in Chaparral, NM, have different priorities. Having a loaded .357 is important to them. So important that they felt that it shouldn't be unloaded while using it as a pattern for a tattoo.

That's right. Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta, both 22 and permanently banned from Mensa membership, were trying to trace a loaded .357-caliber Magnum as a pattern for a tattoo, and in the process accidentally shot themselves, the Otero County Sheriff's Department said Monday.

The two Darwin Awards wannabes were treated at a hospital in El Paso, Texas, after the shooting Thursday evening in nearby Chaparral.

Authorities said Glasser was struck in the hand when the gun accidentally went off, and Acosta was hit in the left arm. Their injuries were not life-threatening, authorities said.

Better luck next time, guys. At least you weren't trying for the gun tattoo pictured below...

2008 Ghoul Pool - Seeking Heaven's Gate in 2008

My 2007 Ghoul Pool had just one successful entry – Tammy Faye Messner. But that’s better than my 2006 list, where everyone survived the year. We’ll see how accurate my prognostications are for this year’s pool, “Seeking Heaven’s Gate in 2008.”


By the way, in case you're interested in checking the vital signs of your favorite celebrity, I highly recommend the Dead People Server site.

And now, for this year's entries...

1. Betty Ford – Longs to establish the Heaven branch of the Betty Ford Clinic.
2. Elizabeth Edwards – There goes John Edwards’ lone remaining vote.
3. Barron Hilton – Assassinated by granddaughter Paris Hilton, who then sues to get her inheritance back from the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation.
4. Billy Graham – He was scheduled to die in 2007, but his wife took his slot. He won’t be denied his trip through the pearly gates in 2008.
5. Vice-President Dick Cheney – His fifth and final heart attack is fatal when doctors can’t figure out which of his bunkers he’s holed up in.
6. Karl Malden – Successfully auditions for a role in “A Casket Named Desire”
7. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf – A total of 377 groups claim responsibility for his assassination.
8. Dick Clark – Waits till the end of the year, expiring during “New Year’s Dying Eve”
9. Andy Griffith – Already has plans to employ Don Knotts as his deputy.
10. Sir Edmund Hillary – Killed by the Himalayan Abominable Snowman.

And now, for this year’s wild card entry…Sean Preston Federline. He will be split in two during a tug-of-war during a custody battle between parents Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

Clear Blue Christmas Light Photo and Haiku

Clear blue Christmas light
Filaments glowing brightly
Only when plugged in

Bubble Light Photo and Haiku

I'm dreaming of a
Bubble Light Christmas, just like
Ones I used to know