The Ears Have It

A New York Times article published today reports that Japanese scientists have discovered the gene that controls the type of earwax you produce. In case you hadn’t noticed, the world is divided into 2 groups – those having wet earwax and those having dry earwax. It’s kind of like Red State/Blue State politics, except without the 4 year cycle.

This news is important to 2 groups, the first being mothers of small children, whom I expect to launch a campaign demanding genetically-engineered treatments for their wet wax children. The second group is Unilever, the maker of Q-Tips, whose legal teams will work tirelessly to prevent the development of such treatments, using the slogan “Wetter is Better.”

The research also showed a correlation between wet earwax and body odor. The implications are clear – Genetically engineered treatments could be the cure to both wet waxy ears and BO.

Still, I’m a little bit leery of genetic engineering. The long term effects aren’t known. I’d hate it if I went in for a BO shot that later turned me into something useless, like an eggplant.

My current plan is to steer clear of genetic alteration therapy until they come up with a viable treatment for something important, like male pattern baldness.