Want a Healthy Diet? Then Avoid Health Foods!

I've always been suspicious of health foods. Oh sure, I like healthy foods, such as apples, oranges, asparagus, London Broil, A-1 sauce, and cheesecake. I think I've got all the food groups covered there, especially if the cheesecake has a graham cracker crust.

Here's my take on some popular health foods:

• I like yogurt, but not fat-free yogurt.
• I like my coffee with half-and-half. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FAT-FREE HALF-AND-HALF!
• Butter comes from a cow. It should be spread, never sprayed.
• No-alcohol beer is like protein-free meat.
• Milk never comes from soybeans.
• Herbal tea bags contain flavored dried bad-tasting weeds.
• And change the name back to "Sugar Frosted Flakes." You're not fooling us.

Now, thanks to the painstaking investigative reporting of the Associated Press, we find out that all those fruits and nuts are, well, for fruits and nuts! Many brands of granola, for example, can be packed with up to 600 calories per cup and are loaded with more sugar than a cup of Cap'n Crunch. Frito Lay's Tostitos Natural Blue Corn Tortilla Chips and the brand's Restaurant Style Tortilla Chips each have 160 calories per serving. Yet people seem to binge on "natural" snacks free of guilt, even though there is virtually no calorie difference in many instances.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm ready for a second bowl of Cap'n Crunch.