Tiger Woods, The Masters, and Zipping Your Lips

You can dress them up in Green Jackets, but you can’t let them talk to the press. That’s what officials at Augusta National Golf Club must be thinking. Reuters reports that Tiger Woods has apologized for comments he made during an interview following the recent Masters golf tournament. When discussing his putting performance, he said, “"I putted atrociously today. Once I got on the greens, I was a spaz."

This statement of course offended many people affected by spastic paralysis, a form of cerebral palsy. In some countries, “spaz” is an offensive term used to describe sufferers of this condition. The UK Charity Scope, formerly known as The Spastics Society, issued a statement that it “is confident that Tiger Woods would be devastated to learn that something he said could offend his fans, disabled or non-disabled."

Of course, the remark was unnoticed in the U.S., where “spaz” is a common slang term applied to a clumsy or inept person. And any college student who has played Zonk also knows the importance of spaz points in the game.

But poor Tiger wasn’t playing a friendly game of Zonk with friends and a benign intoxicant. He was playing golf, a game where money talks and your endorsement dollars ride on your ability to say as little as possible to offend as few people as possible.

With that in mind, the editorial board at Scott’s Spot has analyzed several other statements that Tiger could have made regarding his putting:

1. “I really messed up my putting today.” This statement is, of course, an affront to messy people everywhere, and could earn the wrath of Messies Anonymous, an organization which says it is “dedicated to helping you bring harmony to your home and life,” but which actually makes people's lives even messier by hawking books such as “The New Messies Manual” and “Messie No More.”
2. “My drives were great, but my putting really stunk.” This could offend “Odiferous Americans” and other odor-enhanced people groups. Tiger should go to the Body Odor Support groups at msn and elsewhere for increased sensitivity in this area.
3. “Let’s face it, I putted like a drunk.” You can guess how quickly the Alcoholics Anonymous people would be jumping off the wagon over this one.

Tiger, unless you want to be issuing apologies every week, my advice for you is to shut your trap and keep raking in the endorsements.