Pennsylvania Turnpike Drops Privatization, Turns to Dope Dealing

The Pennsylvania Turnpike, that scenic narrow winding expensive asphalt stretch of death, has been looking at various privatization schemes. But a new business model has emerged. The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission is going into the drug dealing business.

They will begin by selling some $250,000 worth of ecstasy pills confiscated from two Indiana residents, Sterling Yazmin Long-Payton and Charles J. Good Jr.

Plans were also revealed to replace the crown vetch planted along the highway with opium poppies. "We're gonna make the Turnpike the richest superhighway on the planet, and bankrupt the Taliban while we're at it," said Commission spokesman Pot Huels.



Planting has already begun. The photo at right shows what a typical stretch the Turnpike will look like, at least before harvest.