2006 Voting Guide

It’s finally down to the wire with the 2006 elections. If the news reports are believed, the Democrats are poised to take control of the U.S. House of Representatives, the U.S. Senate, or both, for the first time since 1994.

But how should you vote? Should you vote Democratic just to send a message to Washington? Should you vote for the candidates whose views most closely mirror your own? Are you looking at a single issue as trumping all others? Do you want an issue champion, or are you looking for a consensus builder?

There are so many things to consider. How should you decide? Well, we at the Scott’s Spot Government Affairs Department are pleased to offer you the following guidelines, which you may feel free to print out and take with you into the voting booth, or at least hold in one hand while you try to figure out how to operate that silly electronic voting machine:

1. If Candidate A’s radio and TV ads begin with “It’s terrible that Candidate B has resorted to negative advertising,” and then goes into a litany of Candidate B’s faults, then vote for Candidate B. Candidate A is a hypocrite.
2. If Candidate A’s ads show darkened, low resolution, highly pixilated photos of Candidate B, then vote for Candidate B. Candidate A doesn’t trust you to make decisions based on the issues.
3. If Candidate A is a Republican incumbent whose mailings have consistently supported President Bush’s agenda, but whose ads now tout his or her independence, then vote for Candidate B. Candidate A is a liar.
4. If Candidate A sends out glossy ads on thick heavy paper, while Candidate B’s ads are on thinner paper, then vote for Candidate B. Candidate B will be a better steward of your money and the environment.
5. The Iraq War is a tough issue. Nevertheless, if Candidate A supports the Iraq War as being an important part of the war on terror, then vote for Candidate B. Candidate A is stupid.
6. Never EVER vote for ANYONE who pronounces nuclear as “new-kyoo-ler”. That person has been left behind by the educational system and cannot be remediated.
7. If, after all this, you are still unable to make a decision, vote for the challenger. The political system is based on the acquisition of personal power through making connections and learning how to be corrupt. It takes some time for newly-elected legislators to learn that system. Therefore, your interests will be served for a longer time if incumbents are periodically replaced.