Better Living Through Chemistry

Chemical and Engineering News reports in the May 1 issue about a new palmtop device for chemists. The device, called a Labacus, is described as a personal laboratory informatics device for chemists that fits in a pocket but includes all the computational capabilities needed for everyday lab tasks. It has been nearly 16 years since I worked in the lab, but that sounds pretty cool. The device has a database of frequently used chemicals, and so the device could convert my nearly unrecognizable writing and drawings into beautiful chemical reactions, and then synchronize with common desktop tools like Excel or Chem-Draw.

All of this is very nice. But it does put the Labacus into the category of an extravagant oddity, something that might find its way into a couple of well-funded labs, but not something screaming to break into the mainstream. In short, the Labacus has no buzz. Well, that's all about to change. The lab rats here at Scott's Spot have discovered some hidden features in the Labacus that are guaranteed to turn it into the must-have lab device of 2006.

You see, laboratory chemists are already adept at drawing chemical reactions and figuring out how much of each chemical you need to make the product. That's what they do best. But what they don't do well is based on what they are - task oriented introverts who find it hard to deal with people, even other chemists, in a social setting. Which brings us back to the Labacus.

Thinking all the way back to 2005, you'll recall the controversy surrounding the video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas." That's the game that had graphic sex scenes that could only be unlocked with software that was made available on the internet. The Labacus has nothing like that, but, when a secret code is entered, the Labacus transforms itself from a lab calculator into a powerful personal relationship coach for the socially challenged male chemist.

Let's see how it works: Suppose the chemist wants to go out with Alexa in the next lab. He gets out his trusty Labacus, enters the password, and gets several strategies to pick from, complete with scripts. Additionally, each strategy comes with built in videos showing how the interactions should go. Here are a few examples of how the Labacus can help:

Before Labacus: Hey, Alexa, the burgers at Sid's are lousy, but I'm going there anyway. Wanna come along?
After Labacus: Hi, Alexa! Let me help you finish cleaning those round bottom flasks, then we can go get a burger at Sid's. They're really great!

Before Labacus: Oooh! What did you do that get that stain on your lab coat? Hey, want to go to a movie tonight?
After Labacus: Hi, Alexa! That's a cool color on your lab coat. Is it from that new reaction you've been working on? Neat! Hey, after you're finished let's go see "The Sentinel." It got some great reviews!

Before Labacus: You want me to go to the concert with you? Man, that's too bad, i just started this reaction so I'm stuck here till midnight. Maybe next time.
After Labacus: I'd love to go to the concert with you. Let me see if I can get Bob to watch the reaction I just started. And if he's not available, screw the reaction, I can always run it tomorrow!

Get the picture? The Labacus is something you need in your lab coat pocket. Put in a purchase order for one today.

Oops, I almost forgot! The secret code is 17b-hydroxy-4-androsten-3-one, which is the chemical name for testosterone.