Saturday, January 01, 2011

Headin' to Heaven in 2011



I had only one successful pick in 2010 - the unfortunate loss of Elizabeth Edwards. She was fortunate to live as long as she did. If the Tea Partiers have their way in 2011, expensive sickies like her will be stricken from the health care rolls and we'll see an accelerating death rate. And while that might not start as soon as 2011, we'll still see a number of notables headin' to heaven in 2011. Here are my picks:

1. Geraldine Ferraro – Our first token female vice-presidential candidate, and the only one having real qualifications for the job. 2011 will see her trampled by a rioting band of Tea Partiers.
2. Seve Ballesteros – It will be discovered that he has a new golf ball-sized tumor that doctors are not able to cut out of the high rough.
3. Steve Jobs – He will be relocating to an underground iPad.
4. Billy Graham – Never recovers after Christine O'Donnell casts a spell on him.
5. Brett Favre – His streak of consecutive starts now ended, can his streak of consecutive days alive be far behind?
6. Bob Barker – The price of dying is now right.
7. Betty Ford - It will be found that her will stipulates the renaming of her clinic to the "Lindsay Lohan Clinic."
8. Andy Griffith - Killed in a shootout with illegal immigrants somewhere in Mayberry, RFD.
9. Dick Cheney - We're not sure that he ever had a heart, but whatever it is that pumps his blood is about to have its final attack.
10. Pope Benedict XVI – Killed when the Popemobile crashes while out joyriding on the Spanish Steps.

And now, it’s time for this year’s wild card pick – Sarah Palin. Film crews will capture the footage of her being gored by a charging jackalope after she shoots wide to the right.

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