UPMC Begins Water Pipe Anesthesia

UPMC Health Plan, on the heels of record profits, has found a new way to save money. Today it announced the firing of its anesthesiology department.

"Patients will now administer their own anesthesia, " said company spokesman Moore Cash. "If they're put off by our reusable needles, we'll provide bongs or water pipes for them to use."

Pictured at right is Marvin Merriman, prior to his back surgery, smoking an IV water pipe on Lothrop Street outside UPMC Presbyterian hospital in Oakland.