Monday, November 29, 2010

It's A Very Very Big East

The Big East Sports Conference is getting bigger. It's expanding its geographic reach. In fact, it's defining "East" to mean "East of the Sierra Nevada". That's right, today it was announced, according to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers, that Texas Christian University, home of the Horned Frogs, is joining the Big East.

Southwest Airlines, er, Big Southwest Airlines, must be very pleased.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Moon As Seen From Mars. Mars, PA, that is.

TSA Screening - Here's a High-Tech Fig Leaf for the Modest Modern Traveler

If you're concerned about the privacy of the new TSA screening procedures, you might want to scan this article about a special kind of underwear — with a strategically placed fig leaf design — that will get you through the airport screeners with your dignity intact.

Inventor Jeff Buske says his invention uses a powdered metal that protects people's privacy when undergoing medical or security screenings.

The men's design has the fig leaf, while the one for women comes in the shape of clasped hands.

There's no word from the TSA on whether wearing this under armor will get you a brief pat-down on your way to the Garden of Eden.

Friday, November 19, 2010

World Toilet Day

It's World Toilet Day. I missed the Big Squat. But the day's not done - don't flush the opportunity away.

New Company Travel Policy Announced

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Hey, I Know - Next Time They Can Fly!

Millcreek Township (near Erie, PA) police officers attended the weeklong 27th annual National Tactical Officers Association conference began Sept. 19 at Pittsburgh's convention center. There were so many of them that it took them 5 unmarked cars to get there, according to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers.

But it took only 4 cars to get back. The officers were so dedicated to cutting costs on the return that they decided that it was OK to leave one of their cars at the hotel in Pittsburgh. The unmarked cars receive such heavy use that the fifth wasn't discovered missing for about three weeks. The Erie Times-News says the 2006 white Ford Crown Victoria had somehow been left behind in a motel parking lot.

These fine officers, who are entrusted with weapons capable of delivering deadly force, can't keep track of a car. Great.

Pennsylvania Woman Fined For Arranging Fight For Girls

Crystal Lynn Hall, 30, of Uniontown, Pennsylvania, has been found guilty of disorderly conduct and fined $184.50, including court costs, for arranging a fight between her daughter and another woman's daughter, according to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers. The other woman, 31-year-old Audrey Schreckengost, of Adah, arranged for their daughters, ages 11 and 12, to fight.

These losers would be in jail if they had pulled a Michael Vick and done the same thing with dogs.

My Belly Button Says That I Can Be Trusted. Some May Disagree...

You Are Trusted

You are down to earth, humble, and honest. You are likely to be in excellent mental and physical health.

It's likely that you will have four or more children... whether you use birth control or not!

You are not easily moved. You are very stoic and not though of as an emotional person.

You are very detail oriented and tidy. Some may even call you obsessive.

You are quite conservative. You are neither a flirter or a flaunter.

I Am A Jellyfish

You Are a Jellyfish

You are a vulnerable person, but you also have a lot of inner strength. Sometimes you even surprise yourself.

You are very honest and open. You have nothing to hide and resent it when people don't tell you the truth.

You are illuminating and insightful. You understand and explain the world well.

You are energizing and enthusiastic. You get people up and moving.

Pennsylvania Man Swallows Family Jewels

Police in Washington County, Pennsylvania say that fifty-three-year-old Robert Spriggs has been charged with stealing two rings, each valued at $30,000, while visiting his 81-year-old mother on Saturday, according to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, one of America's Great Newspapers. An additional ring has been found in his pocket, and two more have passed through Spriggs' digestive system as he has remained in a Washington County Jail cell without a flushable toilet.

Now police have learned two tennis bracelets are also missing, leading them to wonder if Spriggs might have swallowed them too.

Lt. Dan Levi says police "are in a holding pattern." Mr. Spriggs may also be in a holding pattern, but that can't last forever.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Cheney Dying From Bush Care

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was recently photographed at the groundbreaking ceremony Tuesday in Dallas for George W. Bush's planned presidential library. He was noticeably thinner and walked with a cane. Rumors are that he's dying because his insurance claims were denied under "Bush Non-Care" due to his pre-existing heart disease.

Steelers Cut Jeff Reed, Replace Him With Sushi

The Pittsburgh Steelers have cut kicker Jeff Reed, and replaced with former Washington Redskins kicker Shaun Suisham, according to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers.

Suisham is expected to have more kick than Reed, although that may depend on the wasabi.

Monday, November 15, 2010

University of North Dakota Should Say "So Sioux Me"

The NCAA sanitation of college team names, logos, and mascots continues. This time, according to this article, they've struck at the University of North Dakota in Grand Forks, ND, where the NCAA has concluded the 80-year-old Fighting Sioux nickname was hostile and abusive.

Apparently, the Spirit Lake Sioux tribe endorsed the nickname, but the Standing Rock Sioux tribe did not.

So now all the logos need to be removed, awards need to be renamed, and a new team name and mascot needs to be selected.

On the other hand, the University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) had to get rid of their Colonel Reb mascot, which was inspired by Blind Jim Ivy, a black man, but still are allowed to be called the Slaveholding Insurgents, er, Rebels.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Or Else I Shall Resort To Using the Holy Hand Grenade

Thy number of remaining meetings with the Holy Council shall be two. No more. No less. Two shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be two. Three shalt thou not count, neither count thou one, excepting that thou then proceed to two. Four is right out. Once at the number two, being the second number to be reached, then, refusest thou any entreaty to be joined thereto, and donnest thou raiment suitable for returning to thine own kingdom.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Eddie Munster Checks Into Rehab After Being Caught Driving Hearse Erratically

The former child star who played boy werewolf Eddie Munster on TV has entered a drug and alcohol treatment facility, according to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers, and, if that's not reliable enough, here.

Butch Patrick's agent said Thursday that the 57-year-old is in a private facility in New Jersey.

These Are The Cats That Could Kill The Rats That Lived In The House...

...with apologies to Mother Goose...

They need to take the cats from the Arlington section of Pittsburgh and use them to combat the rats from this nearby Beaver County home.

"These are the cats
That killed the rats
that ate the dog food
dumped on the floor
of the house that Debi owned."

Saturday, November 06, 2010

My Sunglasses Say I'm An Artist

Your Sunglasses Say You're an Artist
You are clever, unique, and a total nonconformist.

Your sense of fashion is based on your own personal creativity.

You need to be shaded from the mundane parts of life.

You feel sunniest when you can express yourself freely and without judgment.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Pine Creek Journal Fires Proofreader

...who is subsequently hired to make posters for Tea Party rallies.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Wow, 82 Cats. That's a Big Freezer!

According to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers, an 82-year-old woman, Pauline Habursky, of Union City, PA, near Erie, will be allowed to keep 3 of her 25 live cats. She also had 82 dead cats carefully packaged and stored in her freezer. The article didn't say if she was allowed to keep them or not.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

The Descent Into Hell Continues - San Francisco Bans Toys in Hi-Calorie Meals

Yahoo reports that San Francisco's Board of Supervisors passed the law on a veto-proof 8-to-3 vote. It takes effect on December 1, 2011.

The law, like an ordinance passed earlier this year in nearby Santa Clara County, would require that restaurant kids' meals meet certain nutritional standards before they could be sold with toys.

People are gonna have to go back to fryin' up burgers at home, just like the old days.

Corbett Poised to Pollute Pennsylvania's Drinking Water

According to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, One of America's Great Newspapers, Pennsylvania Governor-elect Tom Corbett says one of his first acts in office will be to lift a moratorium on Marcellus Shale gas-drilling permits on state lands, reversing a halt to the controversial process imposed by outgoing Gov. Ed Rendell.

What a fracking outrage. We're going to need a new travel slogan - "Visit PA - But Don't Drink the Water."

Pennsylvania's Voters Leave Brains In Car Before Voting

Maybe I've gone to bed, and it's just a bad dream, but it it appears that we Pennsylvanians have just elected:

  • A Governor who can't pronounce the state's name (yes, it has an "L" in it) and who abused his former office of Attorney General by trying to silence those critical of him on the internet.
  • A U.S. Senator who wants to despoil Lake Erie, now that it has been restored to health, and who wants to reduce the size of government so that it gets out of the way of Wall Street.
  • A State Senator (re-elected, mind you) who has been indicted for using State offices for political campaigning.

The only honorable right-wing nutjob failed to be elected.  Go figure.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Stink Bug - Prophet of Today's Election Results